Spring Planting

Do any of you garden? I do… at least, I do now.

I am trying really hard to plant a garden this year. I’m doing all kinds of research,planning and tilling, oh my! Let me let you in on a little secret. I HAVE NO F-ING IDEA what I am doing. None. Zilch. Zippo.

I saw these cute little pots at target in their dollar zone. They come with a little tablet like thing that swells and turns into dirt when soaked in water. You are supposed to soak the dirt pellet thingy in water, then pour into the pot. Then you open a LARGE package of seeds and plant 2-3 seeds in each tiny pot… DUDE. These seeds are about the size of the period right here–>. I’m supposed to plant 2 of those? When I ripped open the package about 20 fell in the pot… Freaking 2?

By my reasoning, if 2 is good, then the whole package is better, right? RIGHT? Um… My tiny little pots are all covered in green seedlings.. Like, seriously, the WHOLE tiny little pot. I have about 30 green pepper plants, 40 tomato plants, and don’t even ask me about microscopic strawberry seeds poking up. I’m totally screwed, you guys.

The main point of this post? Mad decided to help me. YEAH. I had a bag of carrot seeds and cucumber seeds on the counter. Also? A ginormous bag of potting soil. (I know what your thinking and you’re right).

All of the sudden, the sound of the running water (from watering the millions of seedlings) gets to me. I had to GO. I had to go RIGHT NOW. I ran to the bathroom and fumbled with the door lock. We have to keep doors locked from the inside and open them with a key – for safety. And because I hate cleaning up the mess Mad makes in the bathroom. (FYI, he ISN’T trained). SO anyway, I managed to unlock the bathroom door, and get in there. Just in time. While smiling the smile of those we have narrowly escaped total embarrasment, I hear a crash.. and giggling. LOTS of giggling. Also? That screechy “eeeeee” he makes when stimming. Hmm… That’s odd, I thought. What could he be doing?I finish my business, and get out of the bathroom. I ran to the kitchen and what did I see? NOTHING. That really isn’t good. Where were my seeds and my dirt?

OH CRAP.

My entire living room looked like a container garden after a twister. Dirt freakin’ everywhere. In the recliner? CHECK. Under the couch? CHECK. In my shoes? CHECK. UGH. Of course, I cleaned it all up and get him situated in front of Scooby Doo (darn the stupid dog).

Then it was time to take an inventory of what I had left. Half a bag of potting soil (that’s enough for now), tiny planters, packet of cucumber seeds… Where are the carrots????Well, long story short, I never did find the carrots. Check back in the fall after I harvest my living room carpet.

I suspect I will have found them then.

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Would you like to play a game?

So, it seems that we have a new favorite game around my house! Are you excited? It’s really fun and apparently induces both manic laughter, and maybe a post-game nap…

Here are the rules of play:

1) Chew hands and feet off of all of the following found in a one room radius: baby dolls, barbie dolls, lego men, plastic farm animals, the tires off of toy cars (I guess this isn’t hands or feet, but work with me), doll house people, and most definitely plastic dinosaurs.

2) Pick up chewed on/mangled toy and state “dis broken. n da trash!” Then throw it away.

3) Laugh manically. Oh and LOUDLY. Can’t forget the loud.

4) Climb behind someone on the couch and just when they lean back (thinking you need some pressure), attempt to rip their hair out and eat it. Listen to screams of pain.

5) Laugh manically.

6) Climb down and pull off Daddy’s shoes. Sniff feet.

7) Gag. Then vomit from the gagging.

8 ) Laugh maniacally.

9) Play in puddle of vomit (Lord help me)

10) Lick everything within 25 feet of the puddle. (Not the puddle, someone will clean that up- Other players negotiate and determine who shall have the privilege. Rock paper scissors, maybe?)

11) While other players are negotiating puddle clean up duty, pour out all cups on counter, and empty a Sam’s Club size container of Kool-Aid powder on the floor. (Note: Powder must be red or no credit is given)

12) Play in Kool-Aid powder. Make sure you get enough on your hair to dye it.

13) Scream and cry when put in the tub.

14) Get dressed after clean up (you will remain red, FYI) and cry about having no toys to play with. “evryting broke.”

15) Scream horribly for an hour about no toys. Calm down and request “red shuce” (red juice= red kool-aid).

16) Scream when the clean-up players laugh maniacally. Oh yeah.. and LOUDLY.